Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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