Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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