So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
