Just took my morning after pill in the library
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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