I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
oh god the rape fog is back!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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