Michael Bay diarrhea
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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