you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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