you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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