that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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