My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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