I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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