Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
