I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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