Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
