Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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