I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
