I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
