Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
