There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
