Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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