dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
