I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
