"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
