I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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