Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
