Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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