he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
