I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
