All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
