I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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