i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
