I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Holy shit dude........stairs
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
