I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well I just put wine in my tea
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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