Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Moan for me like Helen Keller
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
