Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
