Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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