I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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