So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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