To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
