My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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