I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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