Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
