I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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