I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
