My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
