Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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