I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
