my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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