we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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