It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
