Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
