i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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